The Confusion Inside

What kills me the most is that my emotions have caused me to do many things lately that I’m not 100% proud of.  I went through my wifes purse to look at her iPad only to find out she was talking with another guy.  I immediately thought the worst, even through she has always been 100% faithful to me and I was the jackass who wronged her.

What I’m having the hardest time with is the following.  I was unfaithful to her back in November of 2012.  We said at the time that it was worth saving and that we would go to counseling and we did.  We then were dismissed several months into it and things were going great.  We re-claimed ourselves during a weekend away and moved forward. I was never going to cheat again.  Then a month ago, she felt I didn’t change because I was talking to someone else.  Just talking, but it appears the talking was a sign of miss trust.  Knowing this, I went to my own counseling to find out what was wrong.  The figured I had a lot of issues in my head growing up and I needed to get them out to my mother as that is who they were against.

So I did, and I feel so much better, I know I could be the better man.  If I didn’t love her, this separation would be easy, but it’s not easy.  I can’t even imagine anyone in my life but her.  Someone to love and to hold.  Someone to have a family with.  This hurt has caused me to push, and act stupid, say things that I shouldn’t said and do things I shouldn’t have.

When I found out she was talking to a guy, I googled his number and found his company.  I then proceeded to set up a meeting with him to pitch my company to him.  This was wrong, but I thought if he saw me (and I knew they would both know this was happening) that he would realize, that there was a guy in this situation and not be so pushy at her.  Again wrong, but love does messed up things to you, especially when you are not use to any of this.

I’ve tried to look at the life outside of her, I can’t see it. I’ve looked online and read people profiles on dating sites just to see who was there and frankly, I’m comparing everyone to her, no one will ever compare, I know that.

I had everything in my life and I messed it up the first time, but wasn’t fully aware what I was doing the second time would cause it to come back.  Knowing all this and knowing all the signs that lead me to this, I will NEVER do that again.

Everyday that passes I just really want to hold her and deeply tell her how sorry I am.  There is no part of me that is not who I am because of her, every memory, every thought, every breath.  It’s because I want to be with her.

This is why I’m so messed up.

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Poem: Hand In Hand

Hand in hand, with only one hand,

It’s like a single footprint in the sand.

Time take time, with each tick there’s a tock,

Days pass with no warning, I’m a board with no chalk.

The waters that flowed away, are being diverted,

From 90 to 100, focus converted.

Finding the space that’s located between 1 and 2,

It’s the journey I’m taking, it’s the right thing to do.

1 is the loneliest number, truth as it seems,

Life with a 2, never escapes my dreams.

The ache that’s felt is unlike that which would ponder,

Stepping two by two is where the mind will wander.

It’s process is heavy, it’s healing it surreal,

Not a day goes by where I long to feel.

A man is not whole, if he can not feel pain,

There are things I long to promise, and do again.

While the storms of the heart, I did bring forth.

The forecast I can predict, the calm will be worth.

Ship through the ocean, the guidance of a crew,

This lonely hand longs to not be one, but to have back a two.

 

The guy who thanked death

Today I had the esteemed honor of meeting and recording a guys who was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 and a half years ago.  One month after he married his wife we received the news.  From that moment he was given a couple of weeks to live, and he survived.  He then was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and given 7-14 days to live.  They ended up operating and he is still alive.

The one thing that stood out for me when hearing his story and I believe it’s changed me since hearing it.  When the doctor told him he had 7-14 days to live, he sat up, smiled and thanked them.  He thanked them because he said, now i know I will have that much time to love my family as much as I need.

He then went on to talk about spending as much time as you can with the one you love and cherish every moment you have with them.  When they are gone, they become a memory.  Your arms ache to hold them, so why not hold them now when they are around.  This moved me.  It was all I could do not to cry listening to this at his dining room table today.

This man has looked death square in the face and smiled.  When you realize what you’d lose when that special person is gone, it makes loving them and being all to them a lot easier.  For some of us, it takes a major shock to our system to realize this, you just hope that when that time comes, it’s not too late.

For this reason, I’ve been truly inspired and I look forward to sharing his story with many others.

If you’d like to hear his whole story, here is the unedited version – https://soundcloud.com/bluecowcreative/cancer-survivor-lloyd-cogswell

The Day After Yesterday

If you’ve been following along with the things I’ve been blogging about, you will know that yesterday I gave my mother a letter that outlined everything I have been feeling about my past with her and the things she has lied or kept from me.  While these have been weighing on my for 12+ years, I always felt it was something I’d never bring up to her.  But I needed to get past that because it was hurting my personal relationship with myself and my wife.

Today is the day after I gave her the letter and I still have not heard anything from her.  I have not had a phone call and I’m wondering if I ever will.  How I’m feeling is actually quite uplifting.  I feel for the first time in my life, I have gained mental control back in myself and reclaimed my feeling of value.  Now I always had a sense of value for myself, but it wasn’t exactly 100%.

Part of this process for me to get to where I want to be, I have set other goals as well.  To stop working at 5:00 each day and spend the rest of the time doing the things I want to do.  Reading, working in the yard, walking my dogs.  I also get up at 6:00 in the morning and go for a walk/run. This has allowed me the opportunity to get in better shape and health.

My ultimate goal is to be a father (nothing will ever trump that), but to be the father I want to be, I have to be healthy so that I’m around a long time for my son/daughter (or both).

I don’t know what each day will bring, I only know what I’m feeling at this point in time and I’m optimistic about my growth and development as a man, I just hope it’s easy for others to see as well.

Talk again soon, it’s finally a sunny day and I want to go trim some grass.

SDW

My Obituary

Today was a day of a lot of things that really hit home to me.  First it was the day in which I aired all my mental baggage and concerns with my mother that I’ve had over the last 12+ years to let her know how I felt about things that  I knew but were never told along with actions she did when I was younger and how they impacted me.

Secondly, I attended a funeral for one of my best friends father’s day.  If you’ve been reading my posts you will realize that I never had a father figure in my life and that I don’t know 100% who that person is.  While it’s a piece of my life I wish I had, I can’t turn back and go get that, I’m only able to determine what happens every moment forward.

As I sat there in the funeral home awaiting the ceremony I was handed the program.  When I flipped it over I started to read the obituary for my friends father.  It spoke of his love for his family, his involvement in the community and passion for the things that he did.  As the funeral began, it became apparent that there were many people who cared for him and were there that day as it was standing room online.

What would my obituary say about me if I were to die today?  Am I the man I wanted to be?  Have I been able to fully give myself to everyone that really mattered to me and were the ones I cared for.  Up until last week, I don’t think I could answer that.  It’s a shame that my actions have lead to me having to realize what is really important in my life this way.  I wish I would of known that the stuff I was keeping inside about my mother was taking up so much mental real estate that I was not able to see the full picture.  It was that which made me not the man I wanted to be rather the man I didn’t respect.  Would I have come to my own funeral if I based the knowledge of myself as a person on what I feel I had done, probably not.

It takes inner strength and respect to build a person.  I first had to take each step each day moving forward with dignity and respect.  Once I can lay my head down at night and know that everything I did that day, the way I interacted with the ones I love all made me respect myself, then tomorrow will be a bright new day.

To each their own journey, find the strength within yourself to realize your wrongs, right those mistakes and promise to never repeat them.  This is the promise I’ve made to myself, I WILL STAND BY IT.

Dear Mom

During the process of becoming a better man, I had to face the reality of releasing what was bottle up inside of me in regards to how I felt about my childhood and what I knew now and what I was told back then.

This involved writing a letter to my mother in which I gave to her in letter form today.  As you are about to see, it contains a lot about my feelings and in no way is it intended to pass blame on to her.  I feel very relieved that I was able to get that out to her, however when I left it at her place today my heart raced the whole way home wondering if she would ever talk to me again.

I feel that she may be in denial about a lot of things in life and I’m really hoping that she can see past that this not about her, but rather about being able to give the world a better me.

SDW

Headspace

While I’m very new to writing this blog, I’m doing it as a way to clear my head of the thoughts I’m having as a man.  You see, I’ve had some recent traumatic occurrences happen in my life that have caused me to seek out the help of a trained professional in the headspace.  Up until this point, I never really understood what a psychologist would do for me. Then I had the experience, within the first session I was taken away by the amount of mental misfiring lets say that was going on in respect to my early life and the relationship I had with my mother.

Throughout this journey, I’m seeking to confront these fears I’ve had, and rid myself of the emotional restraints that have been keeping me back from being the man I want to be and the man in which I would respect.

There is so much power to your mind that we as a human don’t even realize.  Something that we experienced when we were 10, could have stuck with us our entire lives and been impacting our behaviors. These factors can be addressed if you know enough to ask for help and do what is required to address, react and heal from it.  Personally I find writing out my thoughts the best way to clear them out of me.  I can’t find any other way to do it that give me the best sense of relief.   This is why you are reading this blog is because I’m clearing my mind.

I am absolutely excited about making known my internal issues from 20 years prior to a certain person in my life which may or may not go well.  Who knows, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take to heal myself.

SD