Today was a day of a lot of things that really hit home to me. First it was the day in which I aired all my mental baggage and concerns with my mother that I’ve had over the last 12+ years to let her know how I felt about things that I knew but were never told along with actions she did when I was younger and how they impacted me.
Secondly, I attended a funeral for one of my best friends father’s day. If you’ve been reading my posts you will realize that I never had a father figure in my life and that I don’t know 100% who that person is. While it’s a piece of my life I wish I had, I can’t turn back and go get that, I’m only able to determine what happens every moment forward.
As I sat there in the funeral home awaiting the ceremony I was handed the program. When I flipped it over I started to read the obituary for my friends father. It spoke of his love for his family, his involvement in the community and passion for the things that he did. As the funeral began, it became apparent that there were many people who cared for him and were there that day as it was standing room online.
What would my obituary say about me if I were to die today? Am I the man I wanted to be? Have I been able to fully give myself to everyone that really mattered to me and were the ones I cared for. Up until last week, I don’t think I could answer that. It’s a shame that my actions have lead to me having to realize what is really important in my life this way. I wish I would of known that the stuff I was keeping inside about my mother was taking up so much mental real estate that I was not able to see the full picture. It was that which made me not the man I wanted to be rather the man I didn’t respect. Would I have come to my own funeral if I based the knowledge of myself as a person on what I feel I had done, probably not.
It takes inner strength and respect to build a person. I first had to take each step each day moving forward with dignity and respect. Once I can lay my head down at night and know that everything I did that day, the way I interacted with the ones I love all made me respect myself, then tomorrow will be a bright new day.
To each their own journey, find the strength within yourself to realize your wrongs, right those mistakes and promise to never repeat them. This is the promise I’ve made to myself, I WILL STAND BY IT.