The Confusion Inside

What kills me the most is that my emotions have caused me to do many things lately that I’m not 100% proud of.  I went through my wifes purse to look at her iPad only to find out she was talking with another guy.  I immediately thought the worst, even through she has always been 100% faithful to me and I was the jackass who wronged her.

What I’m having the hardest time with is the following.  I was unfaithful to her back in November of 2012.  We said at the time that it was worth saving and that we would go to counseling and we did.  We then were dismissed several months into it and things were going great.  We re-claimed ourselves during a weekend away and moved forward. I was never going to cheat again.  Then a month ago, she felt I didn’t change because I was talking to someone else.  Just talking, but it appears the talking was a sign of miss trust.  Knowing this, I went to my own counseling to find out what was wrong.  The figured I had a lot of issues in my head growing up and I needed to get them out to my mother as that is who they were against.

So I did, and I feel so much better, I know I could be the better man.  If I didn’t love her, this separation would be easy, but it’s not easy.  I can’t even imagine anyone in my life but her.  Someone to love and to hold.  Someone to have a family with.  This hurt has caused me to push, and act stupid, say things that I shouldn’t said and do things I shouldn’t have.

When I found out she was talking to a guy, I googled his number and found his company.  I then proceeded to set up a meeting with him to pitch my company to him.  This was wrong, but I thought if he saw me (and I knew they would both know this was happening) that he would realize, that there was a guy in this situation and not be so pushy at her.  Again wrong, but love does messed up things to you, especially when you are not use to any of this.

I’ve tried to look at the life outside of her, I can’t see it. I’ve looked online and read people profiles on dating sites just to see who was there and frankly, I’m comparing everyone to her, no one will ever compare, I know that.

I had everything in my life and I messed it up the first time, but wasn’t fully aware what I was doing the second time would cause it to come back.  Knowing all this and knowing all the signs that lead me to this, I will NEVER do that again.

Everyday that passes I just really want to hold her and deeply tell her how sorry I am.  There is no part of me that is not who I am because of her, every memory, every thought, every breath.  It’s because I want to be with her.

This is why I’m so messed up.

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